We're finally here! We've been excited about this trip to St. John all year as we've been planning and saving like crazy. M and I went for the first time with his family in 2012 when I was 14 weeks pregnant with Noah. We're so excited to be going back and bringing our two boys with us.
As excited as I am to be here, there's also been a level of dread that has weighed heavy on my shoulders concerning the trip and it's had to do with my weight. My goal? To be pre-baby weight before we left. Before Abe, I had finally lost the weight I had wanted to lose, felt good in my clothes, and was on a bit of a high from actually accomplishing what I set out to do. Now, six months post-partum and I'm 20 pounds...more endowed than I had been pre-Abe.
I just knew that it could be the best vacation ever if I could get back there, to that body, that size, that feeling. And in the last month or two I've really struggled as I've realized that it just plain old isn't going to happen. I struggle with my sugar intake, I struggle to crave the healthy foods I know all about, I struggle sometimes not to satisfy my sadness with a treat. I'm also breastfeeding. And much to the demise of popular belief, nursing doesn't always mean you shed the pounds.
So I've been feeling down about this amazing vacation that we've worked so hard for. In my mind there was no way I was going to enjoy it as much now, I just knew it. I would feel insecure all week, want to hide behind my beach towel, and mope because I don't look like Giselle shimmering in the sun. Or even the more realistic girls in their bikinis on the beach.
But I think I had a wakeup call the other week after chatting with a friend. My worth, my ability to enjoy everything around me, isn't based on my size. Why would I let that affect my fun? Was I really so self-centered and under control of the expectations of society that I was going to be withdrawn while my boys experienced the beach for the very first time? Would I remember playing in the sand and waves with them or feeling bad about myself all week? I immediately saw my choice, my responsibility to push beyond my insecurity.
I want to be the mom who builds sand castles, not hides behind her towel on the shore. I want to snorkel with my husband and walk along the beach and get a tan and take my baby into the water...all with an attitude of gratefulness and joy. So this week I'll be smiling, playing with my boys, wearing my coverup a bit less, and using my towel to dry off instead of to hide behind.