living in limbo

Oct 8, 2013

It's been almost two months since I announced we'd be moving. Since then, things have come to a stand still with our relocation and it sounds like Michael's transfer has been put off for a few months. It hasn't been easy trying to get a feel for what's happening based on conversations Michael had with people above him, but it's all we have to go on because no one knows details at this point. It's been hard at times. I had already begun detaching myself from this house, this town, this area. We've waited, and waited, and dreamed while we've waited, and had to eventually come to a place where we're okay with whatever happens. And isn't that trust, anyways? Trusting that whatever it is that God has around the corner, no matter what it is, that His plan is the right plan? And then to be content in that and praise Him, no matter what happens?

I usually get what I want. I'm not saying I'm spoiled, but if there is something I want to happen, I put my mind to it and get stuff done. That's just been wrecked lately. And maybe rightly so. Maybe the wisdom that I can pull from this, and maybe the change in my heart, needs to be a transition from dependence on myself to dependence on God. When your faith feels small, it's hard to relinquish control. It's hard to deal with the anxiety of catastrophe and devastation, let alone the uncertainty of our future, yet confirm in your heart that He is good and even if catastrophe and devastation come,  and even in our current uncertainty, worthy of praise. It hasn't been happening for me. And then I feel guilty that I'm not at a place spiritually where I can be at peace, no matter what.

I think I may be getting there, both in trusting and letting go of the guilt. In this time of begging God to do something, anything, in our lives...in our marriage...in our family...I have to trust that even though I don't feel anything, and even though circumstances and relationships aren't changing, His grace abounds and is working in the details of our lives. He knows what each one of us needs individually, and he knows what we need together. And His love for me doesn't wane because I'm struggling. His hand in my life doesn't cease until I'm clear-headed, but loves me through it. That's not an easy thing for me to grasp. 

My prayer time hasn't been half an hour alone in the morning, but more of a constant turning of my heart upwards during the day and just asking and begging and wondering and trying to rest in the fact that He can handle it all, even when it's not wrapped up in the pretty bow of a formal prayer. I'm trying to surrender to this life in limbo, and trust that He's moving, even when it feels like we're standing still.

8 comments:

  1. Relocating is the hardest. Especially when you have no control over when you go... I know the feeling. All you can do is pray :)

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  2. Oh Kelsea, so sorry to hear that things have been so inconsistent....I'm thinking of you! On a completely unrelated note, who is taking your pics these days? They/you are gorgeous!

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  3. I know exactly where you are right now. May I even say- how ironic? You should see what I posted today. God is doing something great right now, behind the scenes! It's hard to be patient, but know that His timing is perfect.

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  4. so sorry kelsea you're going through this difficult time. i know it can be such a struggle especially when it seems like nothing is moving, and trust is hard. i know i'm not saying more than what you already know, but those prayers of anguish and frustration, He hears them and He cares. Just when you least expect, He will open the floodgates. hang in there.

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  5. I'm so sorry that you're in limbo. Waiting is so hard. I feel a bit the same with the job hunt...Surely all this waiting and applying and rejection means that the right job is near by? Surely.

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  6. Waiting is the hardest part. I too feel like I am in a "waiting period." It's just the season of life I'm in right now.
    God has a way of turning our waiting into something wonderful! Can't wait to read your next post :] xo

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  7. "I have to trust that even though I don't feel anything, and even though circumstances and relationships aren't changing, His grace abounds and is working in the details of our lives." LOVE that. Don't feel guilty, trusting is hard when uncertainty springs up! Being in limbo is a tricky place to be, especially when you feel like progress has frozen. I hope things start moving in some direction for you guys, but even until, God is there. There is beauty in the in between days, the pauses in the journey, not just the destination :)

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  8. i totally understand the ok God i keep praying I keep waiting but I don't feel you are moving but then I realize it is just my own lack of faith. My husband and I went through the last 10 months of just waiting as I was without a job since January and then we decided to ask God to provide a child in His timing and He did and then all the requests we were praying for He answered within 3 weeks. All He wants from my husband and I and your husband and you too is to trust Him, don't doubt Him and lean on His promises because He will never ever fail us, ever. great blog so glad you found mine so I could read yours :-)

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