It's been almost two months since I announced we'd be moving. Since then, things have come to a stand still with our relocation and it sounds like Michael's transfer has been put off for a few months. It hasn't been easy trying to get a feel for what's happening based on conversations Michael had with people above him, but it's all we have to go on because no one knows details at this point. It's been hard at times. I had already begun detaching myself from this house, this town, this area. We've waited, and waited, and dreamed while we've waited, and had to eventually come to a place where we're okay with whatever happens. And isn't that trust, anyways? Trusting that whatever it is that God has around the corner, no matter what it is, that His plan is the right plan? And then to be content in that and praise Him, no matter what happens?
I usually get what I want. I'm not saying I'm spoiled, but if there is something I want to happen, I put my mind to it and get stuff done. That's just been wrecked lately. And maybe rightly so. Maybe the wisdom that I can pull from this, and maybe the change in my heart, needs to be a transition from dependence on myself to dependence on God. When your faith feels small, it's hard to relinquish control. It's hard to deal with the anxiety of catastrophe and devastation, let alone the uncertainty of our future, yet confirm in your heart that He is good and even if catastrophe and devastation come, and even in our current uncertainty, worthy of praise. It hasn't been happening for me. And then I feel guilty that I'm not at a place spiritually where I can be at peace, no matter what.
I think I may be getting there, both in trusting and letting go of the guilt. In this time of begging God to do something, anything, in our lives...in our marriage...in our family...I have to trust that even though I don't feel anything, and even though circumstances and relationships aren't changing, His grace abounds and is working in the details of our lives. He knows what each one of us needs individually, and he knows what we need together. And His love for me doesn't wane because I'm struggling. His hand in my life doesn't cease until I'm clear-headed, but loves me through it. That's not an easy thing for me to grasp.
My prayer time hasn't been half an hour alone in the morning, but more of a constant turning of my heart upwards during the day and just asking and begging and wondering and trying to rest in the fact that He can handle it all, even when it's not wrapped up in the pretty bow of a formal prayer. I'm trying to surrender to this life in limbo, and trust that He's moving, even when it feels like we're standing still.