To tell you that I have a few things weighing on my heart would be an understatement. I sat last evening in the quiet of the hotel room, while my guys had long been asleep, and tried to write them out. I have a few half-written posts saved as drafts because I just don't have the heart to communicate it all today.
Sadness over not meeting the potential I'm capable of. Confusion over what it truly means to take up my cross and follow. Heartache over the pure evil in this world. Sickness over my own hypocrisy. Longing for the wisdom that only God can give. Disappointment in myself for not comparing to someone else. Frustration over the same battles day-in and day-out. Irrational worry. Rational worry.
I wish I could say that I have everything figured out. The "whys" and the "hows". I know I'm not meant to, and never will. My tendency is to charge forward then fail, charge forward then fail, attempt to change then fail, try and fail.
My independent nature feels guilty because I failed. I have spent so much time feeling let down, by myself, by others. I spend sleepless hours after everyone is asleep either wrestling with my thoughts or trying to drown them out so I can have some quiet just for a while. This is when I am reminded that I am not the answer. I don't know the answer to all of life's perplexities. I can't change people. I can't change evil. I can't even change me.
But He can.
He can give me His heart for others. He can give me peace in this storm. He can give me contentment with His creation. He can give me victory. He can calm my fears. I sat last night quietly, trying to reflect on this and praying that God would give me His heart, His wisdom, His purpose. I know He will. He draws near, and I'm so glad He does.