Day 10 of the Challenge is "Most embarrassing moment(s). Spill.".
I'm going to get real honest in a step to break my need to always have it together.
I'm a blusher.
My face goes red and I get hot at the most random things.
Come up to me in the grocery store from out of the blue, especially if we're just acquaintances, and you might as well have tripped me in front of 100 people because the reaction that happens is about the same, sans the skinned up knee. Bringing attention to me unexpectedly will do it, too. Bring attention to me in a crowd or ask me a difficult question in front of a group and it only takes seconds.
I can't even help what happens. It is literally involuntary. I feel it coming up- my face slowly turns bright red, my eyebrows start to sweat, and my head gets hot.
Part of this is maybe because I'm a recovering, insecure perfectionist and if I I'm not 100% ready for that particular moment, as insignificant as it is, I get vulnerable, super-sensitive, and really would like to just hide. I can't control it. And I don't always feel all of these insecure feelings. Sometimes I just get red for no reason at all.
It's improved drastically over the years, but I still find myself in these situations occasionally. It really doesn't happen very much and, as I've analyzed it a bit more, often happens when my hair is a mess, makeup is absent, and I don't feel like I look my best. Either that, or I'm afraid you're judging me as I speak. I think I'm projecting, because I probably am the one who really does that to you. (Oops). I am immediately aware of it because I'm sure you are, too. So maybe it's a vanity issue. Cue Carly Simon and judge me, why don't you? I'm making myself sound a little crazy. In fact, I can be very skilled at public speaking, I enjoy making friends and meeting new people, and I handle situations as they come pretty well, my face might just turn red in the process.
So I could share with you the time I was in second grade and someone opened up the bathroom door on me and my first instinct was to do a karate kid "Hi-yah" with the broom in the corner - arguably more embarrassing than getting caught on the toilet. Or I could share with you the story about how I fell down the stairs at church and made it more ridiculous by trying to grab onto everything on my way down. (Just let go, and let God people. Otherwise you look a fool). Or even the moment on our honeymoon while packing to go home that I, after trying to keep bodily noises to myself for years in our relationship, finally accidentally let one slip.
But you know, It's really not even those moments I deem most embarrassing. I usually get oddly bold after moments like those. I recover, make a bad joke, and then everyone focuses on how bad a joke it was and forget what I did for awhile. I don't mind looking silly.
No, it's those smaller moments that either embarrass me, or for no explanation at all, cause my face to turn red. The ones where I'm uber-aware of my insecurities because I think you're uber-aware, too. And really, the only thing that you're aware of is the girl whose face is the color of the tomato in your cart.