Day 7 of The Challenge was to discuss the thing(s) I'm most afraid of.
Where do I start?
I'm a 'fraidy cat.
I don't like that I'm so jumpy. Worry is my default. It's not good, ya'll.
Some of it is serious. Some not so serious, just pathetic.
I'll do this in list form, but no particular order.
One can fly by me five feet away and you'd think I was a middle school girl at a Justin Bieber concert, sans the joy. It doesn't matter the kind. Wasp, Bumble, Yellow Jacket, the ones that supposedly love wood but that I swear are out for my head. I imagine them in their homes plotting against me. They fly at my head and in my car when I open the door. I can't even give you a pretty visual because I can't look at pictures of them or I feel like they're on me. The other day I had to retrieve my keys from the middle of the yard after one flew by me while I was holding Noah in his car seat.
Right up there with bees. One time someone posted a picture of a big, fat hairy one to Facebook and I literally threw the phone out of my hand when I scrolled onto it. I can't even 'google' one to find out a type because I go into fits by seeing a picture. Like I think it's going to jump out of the screen? It's unhealthy, really.
3. Massive things.
There was a bike trail I used to ride in college. Part of the path went right under a huge bridge on the interstate. My heart would start to race as I got closer and I'd ride as fast as I could until I got a good ways past the other side. If I allowed myself to look up and see the massive beams and large cement supports, I would have a little panic attack and my balance would get all out of whack. I feel the same way when I'm standing at the base of a tall building or in the middle of a tornado warning. I feel so completely vulnerable and out of control against something that is so large. I really am aware of just how insignificant I am in that moment, and it scares the heck out of me.
4. Losing a loved one.
This one is a serious one. I think I've always been anxious, but I really struggle with this one. I entertain this fear more often than I should. I let my mind go places it shouldn't, like actually picturing details, however realistic or unrealistic they might be. It can go deep if I let it and it's almost as if I'm experiencing the loss at that very moment. It's a dark place to be. It's something I've always struggled with and has been exacerbated by becoming a mother. Thinking about losing your child is one of the most painful thoughts. Imagining life without someone you love is a miserable state to be in. It is worse at night and I have to continually pray the thoughts away and change what I'm thinking about entirely. It's hard to admit this one "out loud" on my blog, but I think that it is something I'm not alone in and that many women and mothers face.
5. A traumatic event.
This one kind of falls in like with #3, in that it is not healthy and is something I constantly have to try to overcome. I worry about car accidents, someone breaking into my house, being involved in a shooting...the list could go on but I'm trying NOT to think about those kinds of things. During the day it is not such a challenge. My biggest obstacle is at night before bed or when I wake up in the middle of the night either after a bad dream or while attending to Noah. It's hard when I can't control my dreams and they're so terrifying. I end up in a state between asleep and awake and can't really grasp reality quickly. I constantly have to surrender this to the Lord, but it makes for some really hard nights.
Michael and I are trying so hard to pay off our student loans as fast as we can. They are the only consumer debts that we have (nothing on the credit cards!) and we are SO CLOSE. Michael has a great job and provides for our family so well, but we often feel like we don't have extra to spend because of the extra we put towards our loans. I'm so ready to be done with the payments so we can have that extra money to start saving, investing, and ENJOYING. I worry about things like Michael losing his job, economic collapse, not having enough for our kids' college, etc. I suppose my worry is really greed because I know God will meet our need, but I worry if we still be able to have the "comforts"?
There are far too many things I worry about to be able to fit inside a blog post. Some are more important than silly bees and spiders. I know that fear is not of God. He calls us to trust. And I think this all says something about how much I am allowing the Spirit to captivate my soul. When HE becomes my strength, I have no reason to worry. When I am in tune with the Spirit, there is no room for fear. Perfect Love casts out fear. I talk with my mom about all this often and she always encourages me to replace the negative, fearful thoughts with positive, truthful ones. I know that when I acknowledge Truth in my life, there is no room for the fear and worry.