First Baby Update! 11 Weeks!

Apr 27, 2012

How Far Along? 11 Weeks!

 Size of Baby Conyers?  A lime! Our little one weighs only a quarter of an ounce and is between 1.6 and 2 inches long.

Maternity Clothes? Not yet! Thank the Lord! Hopefully I won't have to sport those until those last few months. 
 Weight Gain? No weight gain so far. I've actually lost around 5 pounds. I blame it on appetite loss and the nausea.

Stretch Marks? Considering that I haven't really grown any and am not showing yet, I haven't had to worry about these! I've read they're mostly genetic and depend a good deal on your diet and water consumption- both of which I am doing WELL! 

Gender? Won't know for another 7 to 9 weeks! 

Sleep? In the past few weeks, I've been up three or four times every night to use the bathroom. This, combined with tossing and turning all night, has kept me from getting a full night's sleep. I think I'll probably have to get used to this! 

Food Cravings? Carbs! All I've really wanted was things like cheese crackers, bread and butter, and candy. I've also been wanting sweet tea and no drive-thru sells decaffeinated tea. I've been trying to avoid the sugar, but it's been hard. Slowly but surely my appetite is coming back so I feel that I can fit my normal, healthier foods back into my daily meals. 
 What I Miss? My energy! I've been so exhausted during the day and have been going to bed SO early. When I'm able to come home early, I've been just laying in bed catching up on shows on my I-pad or sleeping. I feel pathetic! I want to be able to get up and have energy and motivation to clean the house and be outside. 

Symptoms? Exhaustion, Nausea, Bloating (and the FUN things that come with that),Weird Food Aversions (Haven't been able to eat red meat, salads, veggies), Swollen and sore breasts

Belly Button? In. Won't have to worry about this for awhile either! 

Best Moment of the Week? Today! We had our first major appointment today and were able to hear the heartbeat! Our midwife explained that there could be chance that we couldn't hear it or that it might be hard to find, but two seconds after she put it on my lower stomach we heard the glorious sound. It was amazing. I thought I might cry, but mostly I just felt so overwhelmed that everything sounded great and is doing alright. This visit definitely has calmed my fears tremendously. Michael recorded the sound so we would have something to send to our parents. Our next appointment is in 5 weeks, when my Mom will be able to go with me! 


Apr 26, 2012

Lately, with all the time I've been spending in bed, I've been filling my "First Baby" board with all kinds of cuteness, mostly nursery ideas and different products.

Source: via Kelsea on Pinterest

I'm working on my first pregnancy progress post for tomorrow! Officially 11 weeks tomorrow! Stay tuned!

New Life: Remembering and Celebrating

Apr 16, 2012

Looking back on the few months that make up 2012 so far, I feel a range of emotion. Our hearts have been full of both joy and sorrow. 

Around the end of January, M and I found out that we were expecting. The test was a faint positive, but a digital test confirmed the "pregnant" we were anxious to see. We hadn't been actively planning, but had decided that we were at the point in our lives that we were ready for whatever happened. Even before we were married, M and I have always talked about and looked forward to the day when we would have our own family. 

I wasn't really having any symptoms and because I didn't really believe what was happening, I ended up taking more tests throughout the week that confirmed that it wasn't just a false positive. We made an appointment for the next weekend to confirm with my doctor that I really did have life growing inside of me. I tried not to let myself get too excited because, looking back, something just didn't feel right and I wanted to be sure.

Two days before our appointment, a little over five weeks, I began having complications that for the sake of others, I won't detail. The day before our appointment, I woke up in excruciating pain. I was home alone and so scared. After the pain subsided, although the "complications" were still present, I was able to call M. Because the pain had died down to just a medium cramping, we decided to wait until our doctor's appointment the next day.I went to work as normal, thankfully my day starts later on this particular day, but spent the whole day knowing that something was wrong and that the news I was hoping to find at the appointment the next day was probably not going to come. 

I was still in pain the next day on the way to the doctor's office. We arrived way too early and ended up sitting in the lobby waiting for the office to open. I laid my head on M's shoulder, held his hand, and cried as we sat in silence. I think by then we both knew the news we would receive. As much as we had tried to not get too excited early on, we couldn't help but start planning and dreaming some as soon as we saw the "pregnant" results. We thought about when and how we would tell our family, etc. We thought about who he or she would be.

Once we finally saw the doctor, it was confirmed that we had a very early miscarriage. I think we both had already prepared ourselves for this, because there was no way that things could still be okay with all the problems and pain I had experienced the past couple of days. My doctor, a woman I had only seen twice, was less than sensitive about the issue, "reaffirming" that it wasn't my fault and said "if you could do something like jog and miscarry, there wouldn't be a need for Planned Parenthood". Also, I think that she thought it would make me feel better to know that it "wasn't actually a baby, just some tissue". Had I not been so upset, I might have gotten on my soapbox. I understood what she was saying, but to us it was life, a child, a future - not just a "piece of tissue". She left me feeling silly for being upset. On our way home, we called our parents and let them know. Personally, I felt numb. It felt like the few days had happened so fast, leaving me thinking, "What just happened?". 

M was very supportive through it all. I have struggled with my feelings about all of this. I haven't written about it or made much ado. I realized that if I believe abortion at ANY stage is the taking of a life, then I need to recognize "out loud" that the life that was for a short moment growing in me, was truly that- a LIFE, ended too soon. It did not take me long afterwards to feel at peace. I trusted God. He gives and takes away. There is a time for life and a time for death. He is good. 

Some of the news that the doctor shared that was actually helpful was that because it was so early and my body acted as naturally as it could have during a miscarriage, that we did not have to wait to try again. We felt on the fence about becoming pregnant again. Mixed emotions. We know children are a gift from God, but we hadn't really come to any conclusion. 

A little over a month had gone by. It was a Friday, and M was on his way home from a work trip. His parents were also on their way down for a weekend visit. I had gotten home early from work. My period was due that day. Because that whole "system" is usually like clockwork for me, I knew something was up due to lack of any normal symptoms. I had a couple pregnancy tests left over from the previous month, but had made a promise to myself that I wouldn't test early. I didn't want to be anxious about it. If the first "big" pregnancy symptom came, or lack of, I would test. I was home alone when I took the test. The first one was not digital, and when the test line showed up bright and strong pink before the control line even had a chance to show up, my heart skipped a beat. This felt different. This felt more sure. The results were undeniable. Just to be safe, I took another one, this time a digital, and after a minute the words "pregnant" popped up in the window. 

By this time, M's parents were an hour away and he was still a good three hours away. I wanted so badly to tell him, but didn't want to do it over the phone. His parents arrived and we relaxed and talked until he got home. I had texted him before he arrived and told him I needed to talk with him when he got home, so he knew to take me into our room shortly after he got home. I opened my drawer and pulled out the tests. He looked, smiled, and then looked back at me. I think we both were excited, but because of apprehensions about last time, had mixed emotions- again. 

We managed to make it through the weekend with his parents. His mom said looking back there were a few things that made her suspicious - me acting weird about wine was the big one- but we did manage to keep it a secret until our trip to Virginia a few weeks ago. Before we got too excited we made an appointment with a midwife at Vanderbilt to confirm. Because they usually don't see women until they are 8 weeks, I had to beg them to let me make an appointment. They were able to fit me in for literally a few hours before we were set to leave for our big trip to Virginia. 

During the doctor's visit, she was confused about our due date because of the miscarriage. It was either an ultrasound right then, meaning we had to book it down the street to the imaging center, or proceed with the first visit formalities and schedule the ultrasound for the following week. We BOTH opted for the ultrasound. We knew it would show us if everything was okay, how far along we really were, and give us something to take back home to family. 

As I laid on the table and she moved the wand around, one of the best and most heart-warming things I have ever experienced popped up on the screen. There was our baby, as tiny as could be. The report was that everything looked normal, "it" was attached well, and that I was right on track for as far along as I thought I was. By that time I was a day shy of 7 weeks. As she stayed the wand in one spot, I gasped back tears and elation as we saw the tiny heart flicker at 120 beats per minute. She printed the pictures and I got dressed. I was on top of the world. We both felt so much better knowing that things looked normal and that we could finally allow ourselves to be excited.

After we left, I was so happy I just couldn't help but smile. Surprisingly no tears came, just overwhelming joy. We had an eight hour trip ahead of us and it felt longer than that due to the pregnancy symptoms I was feeling. For the past week, I had been nauseous, among other things. I was fidgety the entire ride home, thinking about telling our family in just a short little while. We had originally planned to wait until I was further along to tell everyone, but with a trip planned that can only happen a few times a year, we decided to take advantage of having everyone in the same area, in person, around the same time. We also knew that if anything were to happen, we would want them to know anyway, so why not let them share in our joy, as well.

When we arrived at my parent's house late that night, everyone was in the living room. My friend-but-might-as-well-be-sister Grace was there too. The weekend just happened to be both of our dads' birthdays and as their gift, and as the big reveal, we got them baby items from their favorite sports teams. It was perfect because we knew they would open them in front of everyone. We started with my dad as soon as we got home. He goofed around opening it, and as everyone else screamed and ran to us with excitement, my dad took awhile to comprehend why we were giving him a West Virginia University onesie and bib.

The next day, I told my grandparents over lunch by handing my grandmother the ultrasound picture in an envelope. They were thrilled, and so excited for us. That night, M's dad got home from his week away at work and we had planned his birthday dinner. M's grandparents came over and after dinner, we gave M's dad his gift. He was the first one to see the Huskers pacifier and bib and immediately had tears in his eyes. M's mom saw next and one by one we received the warmest hugs as each person was passed the gift. 

We asked our family to keep their lips sealed to the rest of our family and friends until we were further along. That didn't last long thanks to me! I had been so excited in the weeks prior that I had told random people I knew here and there. We finally decided it would be better if family found out from us rather than someone else. By that time I was pretty emotionally exhausted, so I let my family members share the good news with others. Although I was worried that at some point we might have to face the "boy, you didn't want long, did you?" or the "aren't you a little young?" comments, I realized it was just my insecurities coming out. We have had nothing but love, support, and excitement from everyone in our lives. 

I can't even believe that all of this has happened in such a short amount of time. We experienced loss, only to find grace in new life again. We know that anything could happen. We could carry this baby full term and have a healthy child. We also know that loss is a very real and scary thing, no matter how far along or how far past the "safe zone" you are. I am only nine and a half weeks along. My symptoms have been strong and I have had zero complications. However, I have come to the realization that I am not the one in control. My sovereign God had a plan for the life that we lost earlier this year. My perfect God has a plan for the life that is now growing. 

I choose to embrace this pregnancy. I choose to surrender my children to God before they even enter this scary world. I choose to think positively. Our next appointment is in two weeks. We will go through all the "first appointment" rituals and then, Lord-willing, be able to hear our baby's heartbeat for the first time. I pray and hope everyday that our baby continues to grow and develop. M and I both are looking forward to what God brings our way.