My Suitcase

Nov 18, 2010

This week, just the same as any other week, I've had a billion things running through my mind. In an average minute, anywhere from 5 to 10 topics will be spinning through my thought process. It's literally exhausting most days. I have a problem with getting things done. I may have ample time, but I literally feel like I can't slow down mentally long enough to concentrate on one task. I used to joke about this, but lately it's become a frustrating thing in my life.

While the word "topics" is so general, let me unveil what that really involves. My brain cannot think anything without my heart getting involved. I'm a passionate person. It's one of the things I like about myself. I cannot just do surface thoughts. No, mine are deep and analytical. It's like my brain creates this really deep suitcase that is full to the brim and almost every minute feels like I'm endlessly rummaging through to get to the bottom. I'm picking out items and looking and seeing how they connect to the previous one or the next one. It feels endless at times. 

Different items invoke different emotions - that may be the most exhausting thing, really. Being angry, being sad, being bitter, hoping for more, wishing for more for others, not liking myself for having that bitterness and anger and goes on and on.

Today's "suitcase"?

The HUGE responsibility of being a FATHER - to boys AND girls. I want to shake some men I know and say "Don't you REALIZE your kids need you in more ways than just simply providing food and shelter?!". I want to go to some men I know and say "Don't you get it? You're creating a cycle and your son will likely parent like YOU". "Don't you know your daughter NEEDS you?". I want to yell at men who send their sons to their mothers when a tough issue comes up. Grow up! Face the tough issues. Show your son, your daughter that you love God and aren't afraid to show them truth. Give them boundaries. Show them that men can be vulnerable at times, too. It may seem that I have father issues when in truth, I don't. My dad was a good dad. I'm not sure where this frustration comes from aside from simply seeing it and wishing for more for others. 

Poverty. My thoughts are too many on this subject. Too heart-breaking. I feel frustrated that America is supposedly in economic turmoil but some stupid video game made 300million in its first week. What are we doing?! There are people who are starving literally to death while one of our country's biggest worries is paying off the millions of senseless dollars we've spent...or "improving health care". What about those who can't even afford soap, or food? We take so much for much. I've struggled with this recently because I feel helpless. But isn't that how it's supposed to be? Our depravity...the depravity of the thing that makes redemption so breathtakingly beautiful. In our weakness, He is strong. He is in control. We cling to the truth that without Him we can do nothing. Even when I am not able to feed others or be there with them to care and comfort or share Christ's grace, the realization that HE is there and sees it all should truly humble me. I truly just haven't felt satisfied living here. But my satisfaction shouldn't lie in where I am, should it? It should lie in Christ. HE should be my satisfaction no matter what I'm doing, no matter what I CAN'T do, and no matter where I am. This blog post was good for me to read last week. 

Marriage. You'd be here all day/night if I tried to write this one out. I wish that I could grab one of my old Christian Psych. professors and talk this out. Or my pastor. Which I might just do. I know what it takes for a godly, Christ-centered, priorities-straight marriage. Maybe my concern is trying to get "others" to know and want the same thing, especially since they haven't received that at home. I'm SO glad that Stephanie over at "How Sweet It Is" wrote this blog post. It's exactly how I feel. I truly believe that one's priorities should be their relationship with God, their relationship with their spouse...THEN their kids, the local church, and then missions. There is no such thing as a godly man who is not a loving, wife-cherishing husband.

Short-term missions. I agree... and I'm glad I read this because I believe it will radically change how I live my life. 

I could write on and on. I really am working through a lot in my life right now. I'm trying to "find my place". I'm working through anger and resentment. I'm trying to rid my life of judgment of others and their lives. Who am I to look outward when my own heart is filled with such things? My responsibility is to build on my relationship with Christ and draw up to Him. To know Him so intimately that when he calls me to a task, whether short-term or long-term, I know instantly that it is the voice of my Savior and I obey. THAT is my goal. THAT is how I want to live my life. Not in constant analysis of people and their lives to the point where I allow bitterness and anger to set in. That is not of Christ. 

This passage truly encompasses the Truth of human depravity. It also encompasses on a smaller scale how I daily feel. I relate to Paul.

Romans 7:14-25
For we know that the Law is spiritual, but I am of flesh, sold into bondage to sin.
 For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate.
But if I do the very thing I do not want to do, I agree with the Law, confessing that the Law is good.
 So now, no longer am I the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
 For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh; for the willing is present in me, but the doing of the good is not.
 For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want.
 But if I am doing the very thing I do not want, I am no longer the one doing it, but sin which dwells in me.
 I find then the principle that evil is present in me, the one who wants to do good.
 For I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man,
 but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members.
 Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?
 Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.

Whew. What a battle we as Christians face. It's never-ending. 

I like being honest here. I like being vulnerable here. 

I like finding out through self-revelation what I need to work on..what I need to surrender to much renewing of my mind and heart needs to happen. 



Post a Comment