A Pilgrim's Progress

Oct 26, 2010

Finally, after a long weekend, I'm back to write.

I'll be honest..The past couple days have been kind of an emotional mess for me. I'm only getting 10 hours a week with the company I've been working for which means I have TONS of free time during the day. You would think with all that free time, I'd be getting things done. Recently, that hasn't been the case. 

THIS has been what's weighing on my mind::

"I really need to catch up on those labs for Biology. I hate that I'm even having to take this again. Why couldn't I have just not been lazy LAST time I took it and passed. If I had passed, I'd have been able to accept that job offer and be rolling in the dough right now! Well, not really, but I'd at least be able to pay my rent!"

"Why can't I ever seem to be motivated to go run or hit the gym? I complain about my weight and how I look, let it affect my emotional well-being, yet haven't done anything about it! What if I grow up and am one of those women who lets herself go because she can't seem to motivate herself to do anything?!"

"Great. Another week I've slacked in my prayer time and bible study. There's just one more thing to add to the list that I've failed at doing faithfully. How do I even have the audacity to want M to want to grow if I can't even do it myself?" 

"What am I doing with my life? There are people I admire going out and serving others overseas or even right here in America and what have I done? Nothing. I want so badly to live a life that will make a difference and reach others for Christ. I want to be the hands and feet of Christ...will I ever get there? Will I find myself getting caught up in the American dream? If I marry M, will he want the same things I do? Will he obey God with passion? Will he listen to the call God places on our lives?" 

"Will we raise enough money for our Jamaica trip? I feel called to go. Do the others? What has this turned into? A vacation? My heart is so burdened for the children and people there. Will others hold me back? Will I EVER get there?" 

"I'm so tired of the political corruption of our country. I hate that everything is motivated by money. I wish I could get up on a platform and educate the whole world about the things that they're putting in our food and beauty products! Flouride...Phlalates...Parabens..you name it. I'm sick of the money driven society I live in. How in the world could ONE person make a difference? Where do I begin? Is it worth it to even try?"

"Will I be a good mom? Will my tendency towards setting high expectations for myself end up with a meltdown after just one little mistake? Will I be too controlling like some moms I've seen? Will I remember everything I do and don't want to be when the time actually comes? Will my kids learn to love God? Will they turn out to be brats no matter how well I've done? Will my husband be a godly, involved, active Dad? Will he talk to them about the tough issues even when its hard?" 

"Will I be able to pay off my school loans once I officially have a career? What if I'm not meant to have a career at this point in my life? What if I'm meant to just sell everything and go serve somewhere? What if I get to 60 and look back and wish I had done so much more?" 

These thoughts I've been having recently have had one common theme: Failure. 
That's what I've felt recently. I've felt that everything I've tried, I've failed. What good am I? These thoughts have truly sent me into some moments of depression. 

I usually consider myself a positive person. When someone comes to me with a problem or just to talk, I encourage them with positivity, instead of negative, self-defeating thoughts. What a difference it has been recently when dealing with my own thoughts. I've fallen on the side of guilt, failure, blame, etc. 

In wanting to write about this, I knew it would require me not to just leave it at this. After all, who writes a plot without a proper ending? I examined the Words of Life. 

II Corinthians 12:9-10
9And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
 10Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong.

In my weakness, HE IS STRONG. His grace is enough for me. He sacrificed his life so that my guilt would be gone...that I could be freed from the burden of my sin...that I could overcome through the power of Christ. 
John 15:5
I am the vine, ye are the branches: He that abideth in me, and I in him, the same bringeth forth much fruit: for without me you can do nothing. 

My need for dependence on Christ. No matter how defeated I feel, the only way I will actually bear fruit is to abide in the Savior.

Matthew 6:34
"So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

How much of my worrisome thoughts have been about what will happen tomorrow? Almost all of them. When I worry, it says something about what I believe about God. When I worry, I'm essentially telling God that I don't trust Him or His promises.

Isaiah 41:10
‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ 

 Psalm 16:8
I have set the Lord continually before me; because He is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. 

The truth? That when Christ is the priority..when falling in love with Jesus is my priority again....I shall not be moved. 

John 16:33
“These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.” 
Why should I worry? My God has defeated evil. He has defeated sin. The things I see in politics or society that make me sick? God has control. God has overcome. 

 With these truths in mind, my responsibility now is to apply them to my life. To take the thoughts that I wrote out above and let the Holy Spirit transform and renew my mind. To take those thoughts, surrender them daily at the foot of the Cross, and let my mind be changed and renewed. 

Why try to carry the load that Christ already paid to have taken off my back?  

1 comment:

  1. wow... that was so very much my life and my thoughts on a weekly basis. I pray that GOD gives you peace and rest from the burdens of this world love. He has the power to take all of those things off your shoulders and guide and direct your ways fully :). we gotta start surrendering our crazy thoughts no matter how biblical or worldly to him because worry only creates a barrier to feeling his presence right next to us! :) i say this because it is so true and I have learned this lesson one too many times. haha.. thanks for opening up and being faithful to our savior in all your ways.. he has great things in store but first we gotta submit and be obedient :)